Long time!
For almost a week, I have been feeling guilty for not updating my blog and feeling great for secretly using my neighbor’s wireless internet. It’s pretty damn fast, almost like office link. Works in the evening mostly but still as good as free drink.
Nothing new. I just went to this protest in front of PPPPPPPPPPPP office in Faisal Town this evening. HR invited me. Around 30 people showed up. It was okay. I mean who listens to 30 people in Pakistan of 160 Million and everyone with his/her own opinion and action plan of things. Those are different worlds where it happens, but not in my great land.
Then I went straight to get haircut. It was scheduled last week but lethargy ruled me like always these days. Something’s wrong with me: I am always dizzy, even if I gulp a jug full of coffee. Did not much at work. I am seriously thinking about consulting a doctor but don’t know how I would do that with this laziness. Maybe I should dial 1122.
An Email to Geo
Dear Geo,
I will get striaght to the business: it is prohibited by law of Pakistan to deface image of the Founder of Pakistan Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah. And you have shown tears on his image. He was a man of courage. If he could stand the violence and killings before making of Pakistan, he could very well stand what’s happening right now.
You have done a f*cking ridiculous job like always: rubbing wounds for your own sake.
I just hope that someone will sue the f*ck out of you.
Yours truly,
A Day I am Marking
For the first time in my life, I saw a Police man actually going on pursuit of a person who didn’t stop at his signal.
Me, and No One Else
I remember, at my first job, I was awarded with some honor that looked so sublime that I felt like offering few of my colleagues a lunch. It was an opportunity on my side to open-up with them a bit. So, we went to McDonald’s (imagine that) and ordered stuff. While we waited for things to get ready, we needed an icebreaker. So, we started with saying things we like about everyone of us. It felt so cheesy. I am sure we later felt awkward about that. Even one of them said: “What was that?”.
Now here, the world keeps opening up to me every second. But there is this thing I failed to notice and which is practiced so religiously. The almost same thing: talking good about self. Now I feel this very much since I realized it. People around me when sit together, talk on same pattern: me and no one else. Some topic comes up and everyone, so goddamn eagerly, wants to express himself. And without listening and paying attention to other. Like, when one is speaking, no one is listening. All the listeners are busy rephrasing their opinions in their brains. And the speaker himself is so goddamn happy to get a chance to speak. It feels to him like speaking on TV to a billion viewers. Often, listeners even start doing something else but speaker keeps speaking. And when it’s the turn of a listener to speak, the just-a-second-before speaker also becomes one of the just-a-second-before listeners. Isn’t this crazy? Why on earth everybody wants to speak when nobody wants to listen? Why there is no one who can listen and perceive? Why don’t we have silent thinkers?
I read somewhere that the time you are speaking is the time you are not thinking. If I convert just what everybody around me has to say into words, it might fill a few hundreds of libraries of congress. This is what the blogs are for: talk about yourself and keep talking until you hate yourself for getting all of your attention. But some never get tired, some like me.
Animal I Have Become
I can’t escape this hell
So many times i’ve tried
But i’m still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)
I can’t escape myself
(I can’t escape myself)
So many times i’ve lied
(So many times i’ve lied)
But there’s still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can’t control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can’t escape this hell
(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it’s not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)
–Three Days Grace
Jerks + Power = Disaster
I think I just made up a perfect formula the humanity has been looking for thousands of centuries.
Life’s pretty awkward, still. I use the word awkward in place of ‘fucked up’ when I am not in mood of using F words. Oh, well I think I just did. Anyways, another rough day at office. The formula couldn’t be more universal. There is this relatively new person who, when spoke for the first time, rang a bell that he is going to be some problem. Now there is this problem with me too: I am opinionated. I just can’t sit back and watch the shit happen in front of me. Given the current corporate culture, if you really want to fire me with a good reason, just give me a few minutes to talk freely. I would tell you what’s going to be disaster and what is not going to pay well. Once I got the chance to speak for a few minutes, thank goodness they didn’t fire me. I made up an app all by myself to teach them a lesson. But they didn’t get it. I gave examples but they won’t listen. The project I am working on is a good idea but the work has been poorly done. In this current Web 2.0 era, all you have to do is to remain creative and unique. I was talking about this guy. He has a decade of experience in Software Engineering, speaks English like a 10th grade student, is always wearing sandals under dress-pants, is rarely doing coding and always doing meetings. I haven’t had much chance to look at the backend that he does but I saw a little database structure and it was horrible. For example, he so desperately needed to store ‘lowered’ case usernames in a completely separate database field. And need to check the first login of user with another column with true false that would stay dead during whole period of usage. You could do that with checking the value of lastlogin timestamp. Such are the masterminds I have around me.
Today morning, that dear colleague of mine attacked me verbally when I was just thinking about taking another cup of coffee. Now I don’t know how to feel about that. I feel rather disgusted that I am writing about it. People are so godam fucking retards. Just give them power and see what happens. Just ask them for something and see what comes your way. Just give them respect (because you think it’s good) and they think you fear them. It’s funny how suddenly, when in power, people start to think themselves in position to ask anything.
Maybe I should sleep. I am really tired.
P.S: We have a new Prime Minister now, let’s see if he doesn’t break the formula.
Another Day
Dear blog, It’s late in the night, or early in the morning. A few minutes ago I turned off the computer, TV and lights, and went to the bed, or my new luxury mattress, if I may. Yeah, I know, I haven’t told you that I have bought brand new luxury mattress. It happened this Sunday when we all went to the Metro and had lot of fun. Ok, I was talking about few-minutes-ago. Tried my best to sleep but it won’t just hit me. Now I am back again.
Well, life’s been pretty awkward. People start to suck suddenly, sort of out-of-the-blue way. I hate it. I guess it’s my poor judgment that I start considering them what they say they are. Everybody sucks, to be honest. Friends, people, everyone.
Had a pretty rough day at office. Those people have started to suck too. Now here’s an example…one of the people I thought (poor judgment again) was my “friend” put me on the frying pan. Like always when I would point out flaws in his work, he would ask me to keep them off the record and not tell anybody. Now, today, that “friend” of mine in an important meeting told everyone that I wasn’t reporting flaws. He implied in an implicit way that I wasn’t working and should be fired right away. For a good couple of minutes I couldn’t actually understand it. Then it hit me hard. I mean the person I used to trust and thought was my friend and for whom I was feigning to be finding no flaws just stripped me naked in the public. How do you deal with that? I am a reserved person in office and things like this make me go crazy and I find no answer, no argument in return. Everything just fades away. I guess I am at that period again where I see no professional future and career path. It looks like a last job for me. And I have a pretty strong feeling that I am gonna die soon. Live fast, die young.
There’s this another “friend” of mine who, like everybody else, started to show me the true colors. It almost ruined my weekend, but thanks to the mattress part.
Oh mattress, I am missing it. When I get my senses back in the morning and realize that I am on a luxury expensive mattress, it’s gives the best feeling of the world. Priceless.
Good night.